she said she told them.

i veered up a little. a moment of silence, burdened with a sparkle of hope, and layered with layers of fear, of having any hope at all. scared to be disappointed again.

i was waiting for her to say more. maybe she could sense that. what i did not say, but what i wanted to say was, “how did they react?” in my head, im telling myself to not sound too eager or hopeful. almost as if im ashamed to have any hope at all.

instead, i didnt need to say anything. she seemed to know what i was thinking. she paused a little, as if she was trying to figure out how to tell me what happened next.

“they were surprised”, she said. she said they asked her, “thats all it takes?”

she looks at me, perhaps wanting to know how i would react. i think i looked maybe a little bit puzzled. im not sure what i was expecting, now that i come to think of it. i hadnt actually played out the scenario in my head. i think i was too scared, perhaps, to imagine any positive outcome, because i could not imagine this having a positive outcome. that they would suddenly get it. like suddenly getting an insight after receiving a koan from a zen master.

she started bowing down her head, lightly shaking her head. “they still don’t get it” she continues. she tells me how she tried to tell them, that they can say that sentence, but that they have to mean it. and then she looks at me, and says “they really don’t get it. they have no idea what they have done”.

this makes sense. i dont know why i was expecting anything different. i guess this was another effort to try, to reach out, to extend them a hand. but they’re still so far away.

we continued to have a long talk about my relationship with my parents. how it has broken down. what its history is. how much of it is intergenerational. i learned new things about my grandmother, and her relationship with my mother.

oh, that sentence? i told my cousin i was willing to meet with my parents and sit down with them, if they would write me one sentence.

“im sorry i hurt you”.

this is what i want to hear from my parents. this is what it would take for me to sit down with them. this is still so far away.